Navigating Parental Missteps
Parenting is hard. The ever-expanding wealth of information on the internet is both a blessing and a curse for parents who just want to do their best. It’s so easy to get lost in all of the different approaches and parents wind up feeling confused and hesitant. Not only this, but contradictory information and obtuse language can often set us up to feel inadequate no matter what we do! There is absolutely value in having structure in your parenting approach and feeling confident in your decisions. What I want to remind you is that the core of being present and emotionally available for our kids is paramount and integral to any kind of healthy parenting. I want to remind parents about the simple fact that we are more than just parents. First and foremost, we are imperfect people trying our best not to screw up our kids. And while this is a great goal to strive for, we have to recognize that we will fall short, make mistakes, and hurt our children’s feeling. We are human. Ignoring this fact artificially inserts a lot of unnecessary guilt and shame into moments when we mess up, which often makes us more likely to make mistakes in the future.
The emotions that come along with a parenting misstep can feel enormous. In reality, there are very few singular things we can say or do that are irreparably damaging to our children. Other than the most obvious examples of abuse and creating a hostile emotional environment at home, we must remember and recognize that we will consistently make mistakes and say or do the “wrong” things. Instead of viewing these as failures in parenting, I encourage you to reframe them as opportunities to show your kids how to take ownership of choices we regret and work on repairing the relationship. Above all else, parents are meant to be sherpas for our children. We don't climb the mountain for them, but we do our best to show them the way and protect them from falling off a cliff. The next time you inevitably screw up, take the time you need to calm down and reflect on the situation. Then, come back to your child and own it.
For example:
“Dad kind of lost his cool and raised his voice at you. That wasn’t really nice to do and I’m really sorry my feelings took over. Next time I’m feeling frustrated and angry, I’m going to take a break to cool down, because I don’t want to yell at you again and make you feel that way. How are you doing?”
In these short few sentences, you take ownership of your behavior, label it as a poor way to communicate/express yourself, admit that emotions overwhelmed you in the moment, and set the path forward for better decisions in the future. You’re also validating your child’s feelings by taking the time to check in on how your behavior made them feel. Our mistakes don’t have to be things to hide and feel shameful about. We can simply tell our children: “I said something that made you upset and that’s not what I was trying to do. I’m sorry. I love you and I’m going to try to make a better decision next time.” All these themes are important for our children to learn how to navigate not just the relationship with us, but relationships in the future. In order to teach our kids how we want them to act, we have to back our words up with our own actions.
If anything here has resonated and you’re interested in chatting more about parenting or getting started in therapy, please reach out to me through the website’s contact me page to get started.