Healthy Parenting: Anxiety
Parenting is a hard responsibility that requires us to be great supports, flexible, models for our children, and consistent. All of this is while we are trying to meet all other responsibilities and take care of ourselves. With this context, it’s incredibly difficult to try our best and still see our children struggle. So when we have an anxious kid, it’s natural to want to shield and protect them. Use some of these tips to guide your attempts to support your child through uncomfortable feelings.
1. Don’t avoid anxious feelings, try to manage them.
Feelings aren’t good or bad; they just vary in how comfortable they are to us. Our natural inclination is understandably to escape from or avoid uncomfortable emotions. When we do this, we get to feel the instant relief of not having to sit with the discomfort, which is why this is such an alluring option. At the same time, we also unintentionally teach ourselves that we can’t sit with or manage the emotions. As this happens repeatedly, we accidentally strengthen this belief and intensify future anxiety. Instead, encourage your child to work through the feeling rather than escape the situation. Maybe this doesn’t mean that they do the anxiety provoking thing, but it still supports them in getting used to sitting with discomfort.
2. Respect feelings by helping them find the words.
Even if we don’t understand their feelings, we still need to provide a space for our children to openly explore. Avoid jumping right into problem solving mode and help your child identify the feelings by asking about their emotional experience. I like to focus on 1) thoughts, 2) where in their body they feel the feelings, and 3) what it makes them want to do (shut down, run away, hit something, etc.). This isn’t about finding an answer or debating them on “what they should feel.” Rather, it helps to set the tone of being valued, validated, and heard.
3. Get curious
It’s so easy to unintentionally ask leading questions that limit the scope of the conversation and assume our children’s feelings, like “You must be feeling nervous, huh?” Instead, focus on being curious and making no assumptions. You might instead ask your child, “How are you feeling about starting high school next year?” Kids usually respond much better to adults who talk to them on their level rather than assuming what they feel based on your own life experience.
4. Help you child separate their anxiety from their identity
Kids tend to already feel out of control of their anxious thoughts and feelings, so it can be helpful to talk about their “anxious brain” and what it’s trying to make them believe and do. For younger children, they can even draw an imaginary character and give it a name to support them in having the words to describe their anxiety. When we externalize the feeling to an idea or character, it helps the child then have a better sense of control of the feelings by “talking with” the anxious part of their brain. It also helps reinforce the idea that they are a child who struggles with anxiety rather than “the anxious kid.”
5. Encourage effort, not just outcome.
Our attention and what we choose to praise has an enormous power on our children’s choices and self-esteem. When we focus solely on whether or not our child did the thing that made them anxious, we accidentally lose a perfect opportunity to praise their choice and effort put towards not avoiding anxious, uncomfortable feelings (which is at the root of the issue). If a child who is afraid of dogs makes an attempt to go pet a dog, but ultimately is only able to take a few steps towards it, we should celebrate the effort and set the scene for trying again next time. You might say something like, “I am so proud that you gave it a try even though you felt uncomfortable. We can try again next time.” By not judging our kids in this moment and encouraging effort, he or she will be much more likely to try again in the future knowing that you’ll be proud of them no matter the outcome.
6. Minimize time in the anticipatory phase
This is a big one! So many times when children are trying to overcome their intense anxiety, they spend too long a time before hand trying to “work themselves up.” Sometimes we all need a minute to reset and prepare. Too much prep time provides an opportunity to overthink and rev up our anxiety engines. When preparing for an anxiety-provoking situation, plan ahead to “just do it” when the time comes. Don’t sit in the car talking about how they feel about getting back into school, for example. Have that talk way beforehand and prepare for them to get right out of the car as soon as you park. Talk through the plan the night before so it is functionally “plug and play” with lots of compassion and emotional warmth.
7. Support healthy planning
We can often mistake worrying for healthy planning, but thinking in circles around what is making us feel uncomfortable doesn’t really help us push through the feeling. Talk with your child about what they expect, how likely the worst case scenario is, and what they can do to help themselves through the feeling when it happens. They can identify coping skills to use in the moment, trusted supports around them, and how they can “take a break” from the situation if need be. The more trusted people kids can involve in this plan, the better.
8. Show them how to do it.
Since we all feel anxious at times, let your kids into your own head and experience by being an explicit narrator of your own coping. When you feel anxious and it’s appropriate to share with your child, tell them what you’re worried about, what you are thinking, and how you might cope with the feeling. For example, you might say, “I’m kind of nervous about my meeting today and feeling a tight chest and hot face. These meetings always make me think about messing up or saying something wrong. When I get into work, I’m going to remind myself that I prepared and I know the topic really well!” This approach gives them the roadmap for not only coping with feelings, but also on how to talk about your feelings. It also helps kids not feel alone and isolated in their difficult to experience emotions.
9. Share examples from your own life.
Similar to the above point, feel free to share your own stories about when you were anxious, how you handled it, and what you learned. The best kinds of stories to share are ones where things went way better than you thought or when you felt terrible and got through a tough situation. You can also share times when things went wrong and your anxieties were confirmed! This can help kids understand that even when things go exactly as bad as you fear, you can still recover. Kids can often feel the magnitude of uncomfortable feelings as “the world will explode if I don’t pass the test.” Show them that even when you don’t pass, the world doesn’t blow up (even if it feels like it does!).
10. Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate!
This is honestly the most important of any of the concepts. It doesn’t matter how big or small the win. Anytime your child faces their fears and attempts to do something that makes them feel anxious, celebrate them with praise. Our affirmation and validation of their efforts only strengthen the bond we have and boost their self-esteem. Knowing that Mom and/or Dad will be excited for me when I try to do hard things makes kids more likely to try because they know that we’ll support them no matter what.