Talking with Your Child about Gender and Sexuality

As a parent, hearing your child express questions about their gender identity or sexual orientation can lead to curiosity, confusion, disgust, concern, and fear. Although these concepts may feel new and on the rise recently, this reaction is likely due to the cultural and political climate as well as the continued burgeoning effect of the internet and social media. Homosexuality has been prevalent and is seen in some of the earliest recorded history dating back to 9000 to 8000 BC. We also have evidence of people identifying as outside of the binary, male and female genders from as early as 1776. Although this is speculation, it is likely that sexualities other than opposite-sex attraction and non-binary gender identities have occurred throughout human history longer than we have been talking and writing about them.

Many parents feel unprepared for these conversations and worry about saying the wrong thing. If you find yourself in this position, know that you are not alone. While this post can help with basic concepts and support navigating this journey with understanding, compassion, and confidence, it may also be helpful to seek therapeutic support for yourself. You’re not just a parent and absolutely deserve to have the ability to explore and process your thoughts and feelings. Feeling uncomfortable about accepting or discussing your child’s sexual and gender identities is common and okay to feel. Expressing these feelings and thoughts in an unhealthy, judgmental, aggressive way can ultimately lead to decline in emotional safety and connectedness with your child.

Understanding Your Child’s Perspective

There’s a reason that all of us can look back on old journal entries, social media posts, and pictures and cringe. One of our brain’s “job” in childhood and adolescence is to explore our preferences, interests, and self-expression that feels “right.” Questions about gender and sexuality are a normal and natural part of that process. For some, these questions may be fleeting; for others, they become an essential part of who they are. Regardless of the outcome, your response as a parent plays a significant role in how your child learns how to explore themselves, create a self-concept, and lead an emotionally healthy life.

When a child shares thoughts about their gender or sexuality, they are often seeking support and guidance in how to further understand, explore, and express themselves. How you react in these moments can shape their sense of self-worth and trust in you. A supportive and open-minded approach fosters a healthy parent-child relationship, while dismissiveness or judgment may lead to feelings of isolation, distress, and low self-worth.

Longitudinal studies have consistently demonstrated the profound impact of parental rejection on LGBTQ+ youth, particularly concerning mental health outcomes and socioeconomic factors. Namely, adolescents facing high levels of parental rejection are 8.4 times more likely to attempt suicide, 5.9 times more likely to experience significant depression, and 3.4 times more likely to use illegal drugs compared to those with accepting parents, (apa.org). Family rejection has also been linked to a higher prevalence of homelessness, (NIH).

 How to Respond in a Healthy Way

1. Listen Without Judgment
   Your first instinct might be to question or correct what your child is saying. Instead, focus on listening with empathy. Phrases like “Thank you for sharing this with me. Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?” let your child know that you are open to understanding their experience rather than shutting the conversation down.

2. Manage Your Own Reactions
   It’s okay to feel a mix of emotions, but your child isn’t responsible for managing your feelings or being your source of information. If you’re struggling, take time to process with your spouse, therapist, or support group rather than placing that burden on your child. Your child needs to know that your love and support are unwavering regardless of how you feel.

3. Educate Yourself
   If gender identity or sexual orientation is not a topic you’re familiar with, seek out reputable resources to educate yourself (see my resources page). Learning about LGBTQ+ experiences and terminology can help you feel more comfortable and confident in future discussions with your child. It’s also a very explicit way to show your child that you support them, are interested in learning more, and won’t shy away from the topic.

4. Affirm Your Child’s Experience
   Even if you don’t fully understand or if their identity shifts over time, validation is key. Simple affirmations like “I love you no matter what” or “I want to understand and support you” can provide immense reassurance. Don’t pressure yourself to know or understand everything.

5. Seek Professional Support if Needed
   If you or your child are feeling overwhelmed, consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in gender and sexuality issues. A mental health professional can provide guidance, tools, and a safe space for both you and your child to explore these topics together.

Tips for Starting the Conversation

1. Create a Judgment-and Pressure-Free Space- Let your child know they can talk to you about anything. Casual, open-ended questions like “Is there anything on your mind?” or “How have you been feeling about yourself lately?” can invite deeper conversations. Let your child share what they feel comfortable sharing when they’re ready; you can’t speed up the process. Let them know through your words and actions that you’d like to hear more, but only when they feel ready.

2. Avoid Giving Advice or Personal Opinion- The point is to help them feel supported, valued, heard, and loved. Kids exploring their identity or sexuality are usually not looking for advice (unless they specifically ask for it).

3. Lead with Curiosity- Anytime you’re unsure, ask questions focused on your child’s feelings or experience. Your role isn’t to educate them, it’s to listen and help your child explore themselves.

4. Express Unconditional Love- No matter where your child’s journey leads, the most important thing they need to hear is “I love you for who you are.” Reinforce that your relationship is built on love and support, not conditions or expectations.

Parenting through your child’s identity exploration may feel uncertain at times, but your willingness to listen, learn, and support your child can make all the difference. By fostering open communication and embracing their journey with love, you create a foundation for trust and resilience that will last a lifetime.