We all have to find our own ways to support ourselves and manage our uncomfortable feelings through practice. When feelings start feeling overwhelming and “too big,” it can be easy to avoid thinking about them or even fight against them. Using coping skills can be incredibly helpful in dealing with these emotional experiences.

One of the more common things I hear, especially when someone’s seen a therapist in the past, is, “I’ve tried coping skills. They don’t work.” While I can certainly understand this sentiment, it usually tells me that you’ve been thinking about it in the wrong way. If our expectation is to take some deep breaths and have the feeling quickly go away, of course coping skills are going to feel inadequate and ineffective. How I usually respond to this is by acknowledging the frustration while also challenging them to try again with a different perspective and end goal. This is where the surfboard analogy can be helpful in resetting your approach.

The Surfboard Analogy

Imagine you’re on the beach, standing in the ocean. As waves crash in, you can try to stand tall and push against them, but they’ll inevitably knock you down as they get stronger. Instead of getting pushed down and overwhelmed by the water, we can choose to grab a surfboard and ride the wave back to shore.

In this analogy, we can visualize our uncomfortable thoughts and feelings as the waves. When you're surfing, you don't try to stop the waves or control their size and intensity. Instead, you focus on maintaining balance on your surfboard and allowing the wave to carry you as it slowly but surely slows down and brings you back to shore. Similarly, we can't control the emotions that come our way, but we can control how we respond to them. By staying balanced and centered, we can ride out even the most intense emotional waves as they naturally dissipate. In essence, the goal isn’t to do anything to the feelings, just give ourselves something to do while our feelings eventually subside on their own.

Using Relaxation Skills to Stay Balanced

So you might understandably ask, “what does staying balanced and centered mean in real life?” As the feelings crescendo and become progressively more uncomfortable, we can consciously bring our attention to other things instead of obsessing and fixating on how uncomfortable we are or how we stop the feeling. While using physiological relaxation skills to “ride the wave,” we can have something else to do and focus on while the wave of feelings slows and begins feeling more manageable. Here are some of my favorite techniques:

1. Breathing Exercises

Breathing is essential, ever-present, and inherently relaxing. By taking conscious control of our breath, we send a signal of relaxation and safety to our brain. When we’re feeling overwhelmed, taking deep breaths is an incompatible response to a life-or-death situation (which is what your brain might be interpreting).

There is no “right way” to breathe deeply, but it has been shown that a 1:2 ratio of inbreath to outbreath is the most effective. 4-7-8 breathing consists of breathing in for a count of 4, holding for 7, and slowly breathing out for 8. Inhale deeply through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth like when you’re blowing a bubble or a piece of gum.

2. Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)

Our bodies are constantly working behind the scenes and reacting in conscious and unconscious ways. Sometimes, our first sign of feeling something uncomfortable is muscle tension or soreness. PMR promotes better body awareness and practices how to promote conscious muscle relaxation.

This simple technique involves tensing a muscle group to near maximum tension, holding for a moment, and then slowly releasing the tension. You can pair this with breath if you like (tense on the in-breath and relax on the out-breath), but it’s not necessary. You can continue on a specific muscle group or slowly work your way up/down your muscle groups throughout your body.

3. Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness has increasingly gained popularity and support in the western world and for good reason. Among many other findings, being increasingly present has shown to promote a better working memory, stress reduction, better ability to maintain and control focus, and feel more in control of your emotions.

Mindfulness is the opposite of mindlessness (i.e. highway hypnosis). Instead of being lost in thought and tuned out to the world, we intentionally pay attention to the present moment without judgment or an end goal. This represents a shift from “doing” to “being.” When you notice an emotion rising, acknowledge it without trying to change it. Simply observe the sensation, its intensity, and how it affects your body and mind. Then, we can intentionally bring our attention to somewhere else, like our breath, an object, a food, our body’s motion, etc.

Letting Emotions Resolve on Their Own

Emotions, like waves, have a natural ebb and flow. When we resist or try to suppress our emotions, we often prolong their presence and intensity. Instead, by using relaxation skills and adopting a mindset of acceptance, we allow emotions to run their course and eventually subside on their own.

Acceptance

Acceptance doesn't mean liking or agreeing with the emotion; it means acknowledging its presence without judgment. For example, if you're feeling anxious, instead of telling yourself, "I shouldn't be feeling this way," try saying, "I'm feeling anxious right now, and that's okay. I’ll feel differently in a little while." This shift in perspective can reduce the emotional struggle and create space for the emotion to pass.

Self-Compassion

Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend going through a tough time. Remind yourself that it's okay to feel the way you do and that you're not alone in your experiences.

Final Thoughts

Learning to ride the emotional waves takes practice and patience. By using relaxation skills and adopting a mindset of acceptance, you can stay balanced on your surfboard, allowing the waves to carry you rather than overwhelm you. Remember that emotions are temporary and with the right tools, you can navigate them with grace and resilience. So, next time you feel an emotional wave building, take a deep breath, center yourself, and ride the wave back to shore.